I am going to tell my story of getting diagnosed with bipolar disorder. This is a story I’ve been wanting to share for a long time. I hope this helps people understand this illness, and make people feel heard and seen that also have bipolar.
Where do I even begin? Let’s go back seven years. 14-year-old Aliya, a freshman in high school. I hated high school, and I think many people can relate to that. It was just not my time— let’s just say that! I played volleyball, basketball and water polo; I did have many friends and from the outside looking in I had it going on. But for some reason, I knew something was off. But I was such a happy kid growing up. I lived in a loving home with the best family and pets. Everything was great in my life. But I started to not feel well. At this time, I was not educated on mental health and only knew maybe two people who had a mental illness. But it wasn’t talked about, and it wasn’t even on my radar. At this time, I started developing symptoms of depression and anxiety, but I didn’t know that at the time. I didn’t know anything about depression or anxiety, and never ever thought I would have it.
What’s Happening to Me?
I was so confused… why was I so sad and drained all the time? Why was I hyperventilating before school every morning? There was a time at my high school volleyball practice where I had a panic attack and ran out of the building. The coaches chased after me. I started to hate the sports I played, didn’t want to see my friends and lost interest in everything. I cried myself to sleep every night and I didn’t know why. I felt a lot of guilt because like I said, I had a great life and technically had no reason to feel this way. I kept all of this a secret from my family and only told a couple of friends what was going on. My friends started to become very concerned, but it terrified me to have other people know what I was going through. I felt so alone. One day I saw a counselor at school. Long story short, my mom was called and informed about all of this. She came into the school and all of us were crying. It was very hard, but my family was so supportive. At that point I started getting treatment.
Therapy as a First Step
Oh, therapy! What an amazing thing. I started seeing a therapist at 14 years old. And fun fact, I still see the same therapist seven years later. My therapist is amazing, and I am so beyond grateful for her and therapy in general. When I first started seeing her, I was terrified. I never opened to anyone on things I was dealing with on the inside. I felt embarrassed and was just so confused. After a few sessions, she diagnosed me with clinical depression and generalized anxiety disorder. It started making sense, and it felt good knowing there was a reason behind the issues I was having. Getting diagnosed at first did make me feel seen and heard. I felt less alone. I continued to attend therapy every week. Things were not getting better though. My depressive symptoms were getting worse, and my anxiety was unbearable. My therapist recommended medication. At this point, I was 15 years old, and my parents were concerned about putting their young daughter on medication. I begged them to consider medication for me because I would have done anything to feel better. At this time in my life, I was barely attending school and sleeping all day. I had a lot of unhealthy coping skills that were not good for me. It was starting to take over, and I couldn’t function in day-to-day life. I did get put on an anti-depressant to help with depression and anxiety. I didn’t see a difference, and after a while I felt like nothing was going to help me feel better.
One day in therapy, my therapist brought something up. She told me that since she’s been seeing me, she has noticed and recorded three hypomanic episodes. Hypomanic episodes? The term sounded scary to me. I had never heard of it and had zero idea of what she was talking about. She explained to me that hypomania is a period of an abnormally elevated mood with high energy/ activity level. I just sat there; I was confused because I didn’t realize any of this. We talked it through, and what she was telling me started to make sense. We started treating both the hypomania and the depression during our sessions. After a while, we both knew it wasn’t just depression I had, this was little more complex. This made sense why the anti-depressants weren’t working.
More Than Just Depression
At age 15, I was diagnosed with DMDD- disrupted mood dysregulation disorder. Basically, this disorder is only for people under the age of 18 that are having mood issues. Kid bipolar if you want to call it that. With this new diagnosis, I was put on a mood stabilizer. I can’t really remember how long I had DMDD, I just know it wasn’t for long… shortly after I was diagnosed with bipolar II disorder. Typically, you cannot diagnose anyone under 18 with bipolar disorder, but I guess I was special. I believe I was 16 when I got this diagnosis. As you can tell, it took a while to figure out what was really going on with me. I am just so grateful for my therapist noticing my symptoms and properly diagnosed me.
Bipolar Disorder
So, what is bipolar disorder? Basically, it is a disorder that is associated with episodes of mood swings, from mania to depression. It can cause your mood swings to go from extremely high to extremely low. The highs look like increased energy, impulsivity, excitement, lack of sleep, irritability, spending high amounts of money and restlessness. Mania is not fun by the way, just because it’s a “high mood.” In my experience, mania makes me feel out of control. I am not technically happy during these episodes; I just feel like I am on top of the world and nothing can stop me. It’s not a good feeling. On the flip side of that, these episodes don’t last forever. It lasts about two weeks or more, and you crash into a depression. The depression symptoms look like low energy, low motivation, loss of interest in things you once loved, low concentration, slowness in activity and racing thoughts. The depression is hard; I’ve had depressive episodes last up to six months. It is also hard to go from one extreme to the other. Because when I’m on a high, I’m just waiting for it to crash. It seems like a never-ending cycle. You never know what’s going to come next, and it’s a hard way to live.
This disorder can really take a toll on functioning day to day. There were times when I couldn’t go to school or work because my symptoms were so extreme. I was hospitalized twice and went to treatment centers to help me get back on track. I am very grateful for the hospital; it taught me so much and I learned things that I will take with me forever. Being hospitalized was also extremely hard; I would like to write a separate blog all about that. Bipolar has had a huge effect on my life and has impacted so much within these last seven years.
Journey To Wellness
I have learned so much on my journey, and it really has shaped me into the person I am today. I am resilient and strong. I have gone through such hard things, but always got through it. I now know I am capable of so much and truly can get through anything that gets thrown my way. I feel I am much more self-aware than many people my age. A lot of people lack self-awareness, even older adults. On this journey, I learned to advocate for myself which is such an important life skill to have. There are so many other lessons I learned, but I think the biggest one is to not take your life or happiness for granted. I am so grateful for my good days. I am so grateful for happiness. I am so grateful to be alive. I see life in a different way now. I have so much gratitude for everything I have. I know what it was like to feel hopeless and to feel like your entire world is falling apart. At many points I didn’t want to be here anymore. I now value the little things in life now, because for so many years, my happiness was taken away from me. When I can go to work, see my friends and family and feel-good day to day… I don’t take that for granted. For example, some people might just go to work and think nothing of it. They may never realize that going to work can be extremely difficult for someone else. At one point in my life, it took all my energy to get to work. There was a time I was so sick; I couldn’t even call my manger myself to call off work that day. My dad called in for me at 19 years old. Those times were dark, but I appreciate work so much now because of it.
I just want to tell anyone dealing with this… it is possible to live a fulfilled and happy life. For so many years, I truly believed that nothing was going to get better for me, and I was going to feel like this forever. I am here to tell you that is wrong. Bipolar is a part of who we are, it does not define us. I am so much more then my diagnosis. I am a good friend and a hard worker. I am a caring and giving person. I am a daughter, a sister and a best friend. There is so much more to me than bipolar disorder. This took me years to realize. I learned that I can be happy and that I deserve to be happy! With the right treatment, you can live such a beautiful life. We will always have our ups and downs, and I know there is no cure for this illness. But we can still live a great life. Currently, I work five days a week at a job I love. I go to the gym regularly. I see my friends and family. I go to therapy. I can honestly say I am finally at a place where I am happy. It took a very long time, a lot of therapy, finding just the right medication, and so much effort to get here. I feel proud of what I’ve overcome, and I realize I have so much more growing to do. If you are feeling like it will never get better, just know it does. You have to keep fighting. And let me tell you, all the pain and hard work is so worth it in the end. You got this; I believe in you.
This is my story that I am proud to share with you. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this. I hope I shined a light on this illness, and if this resonates with you, I hope it helps you on your journey. 🙂
