My journey to a healthy relationship with food and my body

Struggling with food and self esteem

For as long as I can remember, I have struggled with accepting and loving my body. I think many people can relate to this. Society has put pressure on all of us to only be accepted if we look a certain way—If we are a certain jean size or have a thin waist. Social media has only made this pressure worse. For years I have noticed I compare myself to other women I see and follow-on social media. I pick out flaws I think I have and judge myself for not looking like the other girls. I forget that most photos are edited, have filters, and are at the perfect angle with good lighting. But it’s easy to lay in my bed wishing I looked different.

When I started high school, my body issues got worse. I was no longer a kid; my body was changing, and I was more conscious of that. At the same time, I was developing mental health issues. I used food to cope. I was struggling mentally so much that my only comfort came from food. This started when I was 14. This unhealthy coping skill ended up leading to a binge eating disorder. At the time, I had no idea I was dealing with that. For me personally, I would only binge in private. I did not want anyone to see me during an episode. I would eat anything in site until I was so full, I became sick. When you binge, your brain releases dopamine – a feel good neurotransmitter in the brain. Dopamine is a chemical in your brain that is associated with feelings of happiness and reward. So, during my binge episodes I would feel great. It felt like I was taken over and I didn’t have any control over my actions. As it would start to wear down, that’s when it would get bad. I was flooded with a high amount of guilt. Physically I felt extremely ill. I kept this a secret for many years.

Binging taking over

As years went on, I continued to binge regularly. The guilt would lead me to restricting. I struggled with this for a while. I went between both extremes—eating everything to eating barely anything at all. My weight throughout these years was always up and down. Body dysmorphia became a huge issue for me. It’s still something I struggle with to this day. During all of this, I was put on a medication for bipolar disorder that made me gain a lot of weight. The combination of the two lead me to be overweight.

My self-esteem at this point was at an all-time low. Worse than it ever was. I felt disgusted with myself. I only wore loose clothing and felt uncomfortable in my clothes. I just remember crying in therapy, telling my therapist I absolutely hated the way I looked. I wished I could look like anyone else. I put all my self-worth into how I looked physically. It impacted so much in my day-to-day life. I wouldn’t go places because I felt self-conscious. I was constantly talking bad about myself. This made my depression even worse, and that would lead to more binge episodes. Do you see how this was a vicious cycle I was in? Binging became a nightly activity for me. I couldn’t stop.

This is now affecting my physical health

I had to get my bloodwork done one day at my doctor’s office. I didn’t think anything of it. I got a call a few days later saying my blood work was not good. I was so young to be having health issues. They told me I needed to take my health seriously: 30 minutes of exercise each day and no fast food. I was shocked. It hit me hard to realize that my issues with food were now affecting my physical health. I didn’t know how to break this cycle I was in. I went to a Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) group therapy (a type of talk therapy) every week and talked about how I can use skills learned to stop binging. My therapist gave me great advice. She had me write notes to myself to put on my fridge. We came up with healthier coping skills to use instead of turning to food. And she taught me how to intuitive eat. Intuitive eating is a non-dieting approach towards changing your eating habits. You make peace with all types of food. There is no “good” or “bad” food. Instead, you listen to your hunger cues and eat what feels right to you, eating when you’re hungry and stopping when you’re full. You learn to listen to your body, because at the end of the day it knows best.

Taking back my control

One day I had an “aha” moment. I realized I needed to change my habits. I needed to take control over my physical health. It took me a lot to get to this point. I had to work on my mental health before being able to focus on my physical health. My mental health was improving a lot and I felt ready to now get healthier physically. Overcoming binging was hard. I had to change my routines to cut it out. I was primarily binging at night. I had to go to bed early every night and fight the urge to go to the kitchen. It was a slow process but with determination and therapy, I stopped binging. This was the big first step in losing weight. I also had to realize that I needed to lose this weight in a healthy way. Not by restricting like I did in the past. Food is fuel, and we need it to survive. I had to get in the mindset of losing weight for my physical health and not focus on having to look a certain way. It wasn’t about “being skinny” but about my health. In the past year, I have lost around 40 pounds in a healthy way. I go to the gym regularly and fuel my body with good foods. I am learning to live a balanced life when it comes to food and working out. I feel so much better overall mentally and physically since losing the weight. I could write a more in-depth blog on how I lost the weight if that’s something you are interested in.

Growing and learning

I am not going to sugar coat anything. I still struggle with accepting my body and balancing food to this day. One thing I learned is when you lose weight, it doesn’t make you happier. If you have a poor mindset before losing weight, that won’t go away just because you weigh less now. It’s a different struggle that I am currently working on. Therapy has taught me that I need to love myself for where I am at right now. Because right now at any weight, I wouldn’t be satisfied. I’m learning to be present and accept where I am at in this moment, before worrying about the future. I’m really putting in the work currently to get there.

I know many men and women can relate to the topics that were mentioned in this blog. Eating disorders, body dysmorphia and having low self-esteem are serious issues many of us face. Just remember that you are not alone. Learning to love ourselves is a journey that I believe lasts a lifetime. We are constantly growing, learning, and accepting ourselves for who we are. I’ve acknowledged that this is a difficult journey, but I am working every day to help accept my body.

We are all human beings, made differently, and that is such a beautiful thing. When you see yourself looking at somebody wishing you looked like them… remind yourself that you are unique and beautiful in your own way. Loving yourself and having a good relationship with food will come with time and putting in the work to get there. Working out to make your body stronger and healthier. Being kind to your body because it’s the only one you have. Setting aside time for self-care regularly to pamper yourself. Fueling your body with nutritious foods that make you feel good and energized. Taking vitamins to ensure your body has everything it needs to function. And most importantly, being kind and gentle with yourself. At the end of the day, you are the most important person in your life. You deserve to love who you are. I promise we will all learn that one day and it will all be worth it. I’m proud of you.